The day began with a rainbow. I had gone out the kitchen side door to pick fresh cherries and gather fallen ones. The tree was abounding, harking as the centerpiece to the paisley shaped driveway, and as I reached out to each branch, a light morning rain fell in whisps. Kissed by drops, my special tropical rain, I stepped out from underneath the tree's shelter and caught a glimpse of the distant sky. A full rainbow stretched its arching colors from faraway mountain and sea. An omen to the days to come . . .
Only would I be able to understand that this omen was indeed marking something quite important. I came to find later that day that a job opportunity had presented itself to me. It was one I had been calling in for many months, one that stimulated my skill level and fit my criterion of travel, all expenses paid, a generated savings and journalism. This job meant travel to potentially all corners of the globe. It meant encounters with top executives of wealthy successful firms, and governments including presidents and ministers. What was cloudy was the unknown amount of time that going off on these projects meant. I was quite okay with the idea of leaving island and experiencing the attributes of a new and exciting city and culture. This meant many things: culinary treats, dancing, live music, and different languages. It would give me contrast from island life, and spice things up! Projects could take weeks or even months. Yet, in a romantic relationship, something like this can be quite difficult on the partners involved. I understood this, but also recognized the value of being able to be apart from one another as a way of refreshing not only one's self, but the whole of the relationship. The way I see it is if neither partner is able to let go of the the other for a length of time, then perhaps there is a codependency happening, which in essence is unhealthy. And of course the old phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" always applies.
That same day I had a Skype interview finding out more about the potential job. The income was handsome on my scale, and because all expenses were paid while you were working on a project, one's savings would simply amount and amount. A voluptuous savings is precisely what I was looking to gain as my next objective in life. As the interview went on I discovered two down sides. One being, that although the title is "commercial journalism" there would be no journalism on my part, it was only sales. The second down-side was that this particular company was looking to hire someone on for 11 months out of the year. This meant signing over your life, uprooting, packing every last bit of wardrobe, and most crucially, leaving behind my current love partner. After realizing the gravity of these details, I needed some time to think it over. The predicament became clear, leave and go after "dream-job," or go after love and stay.
The day became wrought with the mind's incessant thoughts and anxieties. Potential scenarios play themselves out, and questions to the self become like a puzzle looking to fit itself into an unforetold final picture. It was heart-wrenching and my emotions although excited for this potential opportunity, were wrought with despair. It was a plague of both sides of the spectrum.
Big scenarios like this in life can be categorized in a similar field as tragedies and injuries. Often in life it seems that humans won't wake up to certain truths, make great change, or take massive inspired action unless something gigantic happens and shakes them to their core to where it is unquestionable that they should act. This future outlook of what a career path can do to my current existence was nothing short of life shaking. Although this opportunity was at my feet, it meant leaving behind the beautiful life as I knew it. I had already left home almost a year prior and was accustomed to the circumstances of leaving friends and family and comforts. In my book I had done it times before and could do it again. But as I looked around me, taking in distant, tranquil, blue water, the rush of white foam against shore, and curvaceous mountain, this was beyond hard to leave. Every chirp from whistling bird was a song that had woven itself into my heart, and its absence was a tear at the divine thread that made up this image. The fertile land upon which we lived was showing signs of abundance after the dry season and prospering just as the seeds I had planted a month ago were thriving to soon bare fruits. I was experiencing deep love with my partner and our life together was flowing beautifully. I had made a few friends and one close one, I had began dance choreographies and had a trail I was blazing. Was I ready to walk away and leave it all behind to go in another direction along a path I had no clue really of how it would be?
Decisions were always a tough thing for me to make in general. Although I was an impulsive person most times, (act now, think later) making choices for me was a thing that needed to sit in the pot to let simmer until I was comfortable with moving forward. In my mind making the perfect choice was paramount. Looking in from the outside, I never realize just how unrealistic perfection really is. One can never fully know the future, and any attempts to control outcomes is simply a waste in energy. Trust in the path and allow it to unfold. EASIER SAID THAN DONE! Of course if only we could take our own wise advise sometimes . . .
An action that I seem to default to, is looking for validation in my partner, whomever that may be. It's almost as if I allow my direction to be determined by the clues of the other. I wait and see if the other person shows signs of anything and then I act dependent upon that. Yet, it was because of this whole situation that I was able to finally see this behavior and see that it wasn't serving my highest good. Understanding my self better as to why I act this particular way enabled me to see that a better sense of balance was of need. Look for the blessing within the chaos or difficult situations. And so when my partner came home from work that day I told him a little about the job, and how I would be thinking about it, and secretly hoping to receive a clue to just how he felt for me. Perhaps we all do this in order to validate our own sense of worth. But really and truly we have no need to validate our existence and worth through outside sources whether it be substances or people. But this was a trend I was only able to see afterwards. This kind of reach outside one's self is simply to fill some inner void of not loving or valuing one's self wholly.
For four days following I moped about. I was torn because I both wanted to go and wanted to stay. Day four I reconnected with the future employer for a second interview, moving forward. After that a third interview was set up with his partner who was more of the "final sayer." My stress heightened as I tried to keep cool about the whole situation. My partner noticed my off behavior but for fear of opening a bigger can of worms, kept to himself and had said nothing throughout those days. I also said nothing. And days of nothingness from both parties equals a big event to unearth the mountain of words and feelings that had been kept inside.
"You don't even care that I'm leaving!" I cried out. I was met with equal reactionary responses. I think it was our first big tiff, one that left me crying on the floor. Ladies, you all know you've probably been there! Not one of our finest moments! Once the emotions and steam died down we could have a calmish talk about what was really bothering me. It turned out that what I had thought I'd been perceiving was in fact completely wrong and I had created a whole sad story in my head simply because I didn't feel I was being appreciated or validated. Had I just been vocal and honest with myself and him I would have learned the truth and felt better a lot sooner! He hadn't understood the gravity of the situation and that in fact if I were to be offered the job, I'd be leaving in one week's time. One week! That was a fast time frame to wrap your head around. Not only emotionally was it stringent, but things had to be taken care of here before I could go, things had to be put in order, and I had to think about what was next moving forward. So the misprinted image in my head and heart proved wrong, and his care and devotion for me became clearer and again I was reassured of our love. He was so beautiful about the situation and of course, selflessly wanted what was best for me, that I go and he not stand in the way of my path. Silently, we began to mourn the loss of each other. The loss of an amazing romance, and a treasured time that resulted in each of our healing.
It had been just one month since my return to the island to live and be with him after a month back home for the funeral of my grandma. In that short time period, to me, it had felt like we lived and shared a lifetime. Not a lifetime in the sense of the whole world scheme of marriage, kids, and work, but a lifetime in the sense of love. We had opened our hearts to each other just how I had transcribed in the blogpost, about the concept of loving in the moment. This "unconditional" love of living and loving in the present time, no conditions or categories attached, had been a timeless gift to our lives, and we each had been content and satisfied with our experience together, that this love depended on nothing more.
"So you're really leaving, huh? And in just one week."
"It feels like its a yes. I should get the final word on Monday."
Action was taken, and he vowed to take me down to the south of the island for a last special weekend together, next to the Pitons. I rejoiced. My future looked like an exciting year of work and experiences in Santiago, Chile, and the beauty of our loving relationship was a blessing to my life.
"You know," I said, "I've always believed in the concept of free love." I remember reading D.H. Lawrence in University and being inspired by this free-love concept that he themed in some of his books. "I've always thought it possible, but have never been with someone who was capable of it." Almost always there is an attachment. A need, or selfishness that ends up limiting one or both partners, which in turn can keep them from experiencing and moving towards what is "meant" to happen along their path. We hugged tightly, and held each other as we fell to sleep.
*********
********
We fell contentedly asleep after a sentimental, love-filled weekend. Monday rolls around and we are both anxious for it was likely I would receive final word on the job sometime in the morning. Anxieties tried to get the best of me, to the extent I felt as if I would vomit. Breath in, breath out, trust the path. As the light of Monday began coming to a close, I had still not received word back. The mind's incessantness all day, creates a new scenario. Perhaps they are choosing someone who already has experience in the field? The energy felt as if they were waiting on their end. Perhaps a more suited applicant. Perhaps love's power was meant to overcome and keep me here. I went for my usual early evening jog. It was crucial to get all that energy out from the day's uncertainties. As I let loose down the steep mountain, alongside the vast Atlantic sea, the wind blew hard at my face and something inside rejoiced. I was happy to stay with my Beloved. The uncertainty was still present, and perhaps tomorrow I would receive word nonetheless. Talk about living in the moment. Loving in the moment was wrapped in a bow, and my love towards him wouldn't detach itself just because a future perhaps wouldn't exist. What if the last ten days of utter frustration and uncertainty was just an experience for the two of us, making us stronger, teaching us lessons, showing us a clearer image of ourselves? My love retreats back into the corner of his chest. I hold on.Tuesday strolls on and I realized I must continue business as usual, as if the projects and classes I've begun are in fact continuing on. I schedule lessons, and promote my dance workshop. A late Tuesday afternoon, and all of the sudden, that pertinent email appears in my Inbox. Holy shit! I hadn't even been thinking about it! My heart feels the strings my embrace has wrapped around his being. Ugh! This tearing back and forth of my energies is unsettling. The email gave no conclusive answer, but was intended to schedule a fourth interview the next day with a different director. More waiting! But, what to do?
********
It's been over a week of back and forth with the potential employers. For whichever reasons, that fourth interview never manifested. Perhaps they wanted someone with experience in the field, which I, although qualified, did not have. Perhaps somewhere out there, there was a more suited spot for me in this field. The mind can postulate a number of reasons, which in the end don't matter. I prayed throughout this entire process that "whatever happens, may it be for my highest good." So with that, I trust in the path . . . and apparently for now, my path remains here on this island of light.
It's true, you really do receive what your heart truly asks for. My past blogpost spoke of the freshness and wholesomeness of "loving in the moment," and it seems that this whole experience has made me eat my words, testing this very strength of virtue. The experience was beyond a despair I could have expected, always easier to say than to do. I am forever affected because I need no one or nothing to validate me or my sense of worth. I can recognize now when the mind is making up stories, and me keeping quiet about it. Openness will almost always solve the issue. The entire experience tested this strength and opened up the flood of love to come pouring through in our relationship. It made me clearer in myself, and able to act upon the belief of unconditional free love, which is a gift I am forever grateful for. I understand that love not only is not based upon future and conditions, but needs not be held back for reasons of fear for giving yourself fully to someone for fear of losing a part of yourself, or your own power. In fact, you are empowered by opening your flood gates of love fully, without the fear of what is to happen, in some imagined future.
*******
Love is a well unfathomable,
a gift
like the sacredness of our aliveness.
Love is the very core of our nature,
. . . vibrating . . .
amongst the whole
Oneness of all.
No comments:
Post a Comment